The fundamental truths of life

I’ve spent all of my twenties reading various books on life, philosophy, psychology, popular science, health, wealth and pure self-help. And while doing so, I’ve spent a good amount of time reflecting and discussing the various ideas and perspectives I’ve gained over the years. All of that, in some form of pursuit that clearly is a never-ending project to understand the fundamentals of life, and with that, what it means to live a good life.

And in those perspectives, there are a few things I see recurring over and over again in the books, and lessons, that stay true. These are a collection of fundamental truths that I remind myself of on a regular basis, especially when life is particularly tough. I hope they bring at least a small amount of the value they bring me.

Death is a certainty

If there is one place you will find reminders of the finite nature of life, it is in stoicism. There are countless quotes from Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus, Rufus etc. that all somehow explain a proper way to approach death and the inevitability of it. And, of course, there is even more outside of stoicism, not necessarily with the same intention of approaching life, but, nonetheless, with the same appreciation of the finality of death.

Death, means a couple of things to me.

The first is, that no matter what I choose to do in life, no matter how good or how bad I choose to be, how many friends or enemies I make, how much money I make or not, I still end up with the same fate as everybody else.

The second, is that no matter what anybody thinks of me, says about me or the things I say or do, they, like me, will not live forever. And the things they think, and say, will eventually fade, just like them.

The third, is that all the things I have in life, the people around me, and the job I have, the money I have, will fade with my life. No matter how much I would have wished for things to stay, they won’t.

These three things all remind me that any anxiety or stress I feel over what someone says or does, any thoughts I have over what someone will think of what I say or do, won’t matter in the end. What will matter to me, when I lie on my death bed, is not what people thought of what I did or didn’t do. What will matter is what I thought of what I did and didn’t do. Have I done what I thought was right? Did I do the things that I wanted to do throughout my life?

You can’t have happiness without suffering

The Chinese concept of Yin and Yang perfectly illustrates this truth for me. Everything in life has it’s opposites. Day has night. Giving has taking. Belief has doubt. Bravery has cowardice. And happiness, has suffering.

Without the counterpart, the opposite, it’s antonym, something completely looses it’s value. A perfect example of this is having anything in excess. Someone with extreme wealth who can afford anything will attest to the fact that everything monetary looses it’s value in the shadow of the things that no money could buy. They start to yearn for the most mundane things that most people take for granted.

So what does suffering mean to me?

Suffering to me, like pain, and sadness, all bring a certain value that nothing could bring to you. It’s both a feeling that you are alive, that what you have, or maybe did have, was actually of value. Or it’s the fact that you don’t have what you want, or you are not where you want to be. Or the thing you thought would bring you happiness, fulfillment and peace, brought with it pain, stress and anxiety. It’s a form of lesson that can only be found in the suffering. And it gives what you in the end truly want it’s true value, because now you know what it actually means to have the opposite.

Another thing suffering teaches you, is that it’s never as bad as you think. As Seneca said, we suffer more often in imagination than in reality. You are much more capable than you think, and you can deal with a lot more pain and suffering than you could ever have imagined.

And finally, what suffering brings with it, is an opportunity for change. Suffering, much like pain, discomfort, anxiety, sadness, is a very clear signal that something is obviously wrong. As long as you are in control of your own situation, as in the suffering is something you can avoid through an action, you have a choice to make. Albeit most likely not an easy one, as suffering is rarely chosen as the preferred choice. But rarely are we completely innocent in it’s cause in our life.

So, rather than submitting to the suffering and become a victim of it, ask yourself what can be done. Are you required to be in it, or can you make a choice to get yourself out. Are you here, because you need to be here? Is this a teaching moment for you?

We create our own reality

The final truth is the one I find most impactful on my life, especially when things get tough. It’s the fact that no one, not even your best friend or partner, shares the same reality as you. What I mean by that, is that our mind is what creates our perception of reality. Everything, from the colors we can see, to the patterns our brain focuses on based on our thinking patterns and the things we care about and value. People recall different things from different situations, and perceive situations to be positive or negative in different ways and from different perspectives.

And the powerful part in all this is that we actually have a say in our own reality. We can choose to invest in ourselves in a way that helps our brain perceive reality and what happens around us in a way that benefits us, in a direction we want.

In no way is this an easy feat, nor is it something to master to the point where we have complete control. At least I don’t believe there is. However, the control can be achieved to such an extent that we can change from having a life that lacks meaning and purpose, where everything that happens around us is somehow in service of making our life worse, to a life full of meaning and where things that benefit our life happens around us all the time.

And at the core of this, is the fact that what matters most, is not what happens to us, but how we choose to handle it. Something can seem negative at the outset of it happening, but in a week, month, or year, be the best thing that could’ve happened.

Summary

There are a lot of truths and a lot of lessons to be learned throughout life, but few have had such a fundamental impact on my outlook on life, as these three have.

The fact that we are all going to die, that suffering is a fundamental part of life and that we create our own reality, are truths that help med feel and take control over my own life when it feels like I have none. Because in those moments, when it feels like I have control, it’s always because I focus on the things I have no control over. It’s always because of an outcome that I had no control over. I have always done the best I could, and yet, it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. And that’s life. Again, what matters is not what happens to us, but how we choose to handle it.

I’d like to end this week’s article with a quote that I think summarizes most of what I tried to say.

“But death and life, honor and dishonor, pain and pleasure—all these things, equally happen to good men and bad, being things which make us neither better nor worse. Therefore they are neither good nor evil.”

Marcus Aurelius